Posts tagged ‘fat’

September 21, 2011

Today I did the unthinkable….

I signed up for Bikram Yoga. As I sit here, I am living in fear of the 105 degree, 40% humidity environment where I will  be expected to sit for 90 minutes this evening. What have I done?

While there is certainly no shortage of worry, I am also hopeful. I feel like I have tried everything in the past few months to get myself motivated to care more about my health. For some reason, this time has been the most challenging. Perhaps its because I know I have a long time to go until I meet my goal. As you all know (duh), I gained my weight back, and then some. Still, I cannot stop trying. I have to keep trying, even if I fail.

Right now, at this stage in my life, I am 28 years old. I grind my teeth at night, I wake up freqently, and I feel disgusting. Medication helps but makes me unmotivated to do very much activity. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, extremely self conscious and worried I am ruining my reproductive health. I haven’t menstruated since May- an indication that my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is in full swing again. If I don’t fix what the fuck is wrong with me, I may never have kids. I need to get my shit together, and I’m tired of taking medication. Oh, also, I’d like to not be a sure shot candidate for the ‘BEETUS.

I got mad at work the other day (standard) and flipped out (not so standard) and realized that I am totally out of control sometimes. I am way too stressed out and I need to really rope it in. I looked up a whole bunch of yoga studios in Columbia. The Bikram Studio looks the most terrifying, but also the most appealing. I have no idea why. It also happened to be the cheapest.

After reading Paige Williams 60-Day Bikram Yoga Makeover, I felt happy that I was at least going to try it.  She and I have similar health situations (aside from the whole menopause thing).  She made one  mega-ultra-huge point that confirmed my decision.

“But there are problems and there are Problems. I wasn’t dealing with a debilitating condition or an abusive husband or unremitting poverty or the death of a child or a male population that wanted me dead just because I wear lipstick; the only war zone I’ve ever lived in is the one in my head. My situation was self-imposed. I had choices. It was time to start making some good ones. “

She also seemed really happy that she went through with this sweaty hot mess of a project. If she can do it, so can I, right? We shall see.