Racing Thoughts Late At Night

Last night, I came home from class beyond exhausted. It was 11:40 when I walked into the door. I was so happy to see my dogs, who clearly are barely living a full life unless they are following me around the apartment. I was even more excited to see William, who was barely awake.

Only a few more weeks of the double agent lifestyle…unhappy government contract support by day, stressed design student by night. School ends the 9th. 9 days after that, the job I begrudgingly came to for the past three years will end as well. I’ve quit my job to travel, which is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve sworn off new clothes, taken up afternoons at the gym, and gave up drinking anything but wine once a week in a Lent related attempt to save money and my health. I still haven’t had a beer yet. I excitedly shared my plans with everyone in my world. I can’t believe that I, a self-professed home body, will spend 2 months (I miscounted I’m actually away for a week longer than I thought) away from my home, my love, my family, friends, and 2 dogs, in the name of…my own dreams.

I laid awake in my bed until 12:30. Why do I feel guilty for following my heart? I lay in my bed, thinking about how I am not the only person sacrificing things for my dream. Darkness, laying beside me, is supporting my decision in more ways than one. He loves me so much that he is telling me to do whatever I feel called to do, because he would never want me to regret a thing, especially while we plan our future lives together. I am really grateful to have him, because I know he is the best.

I think about the people who accuse me of being crazy. How they think I am unstable. Who would give up the financial security? Squander their savings? Delay dreams of buying a home in this already tough economy?

I think about how I have spent countless moments crying, stressing, clenching my teeth, wishing for more time, hating my work day, crowing about how there is ever time for the things that make me happy. I think about the people who will never get to experience anything but hardships far worse than my own. I think about  my my best friend, Jessica,  gone to soon, and how she would never waste her life in a place she wasn’t meant to be.

Then I think about how I am a girl with nothing to lose. I think about how I’m not sure of everything I want out of life, but after spending nearly all of my 20’s listening to other people, and adapting their version of happiness, I think I owe it to myself to take the time to figure out what my version is.

I can assure you, this picture was taken while I was experiencing a moment of sheer joy.

I can assure you, this picture was taken while I was experiencing a moment of sheer joy.

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2 Comments to “Racing Thoughts Late At Night”

  1. This is so fantastic. Good for you for pursuing you travel dreams. A change of perspective is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves–travel can be transformative. I took my tiny savings and went on a trip to Europe five and a half years ago. In the process, I caught the travel bug and met my husband. Now travel is a very regular part of my life. That first trip was one of the best experiences/decisions of my life. Good luck, don’t listen to the naysayers, and enjoy!

    • Thank you so much for that! When I doubt myself, I think of the countless people like you who have done it. I know I can make it work, even if it gets hard.

      You met your husband on your journey? Well if that isn’t the best souvenir! What a love story. 🙂

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